Your Relationship Will Change After Kids

But Here’s How to Fix It

I had lunch with a friend today, and we talked about something no one really prepares you for: the changes in your relationship after you have kids. Everyone asks, "How are you?" "How are the kids?" and sometimes, they’ll throw in, "How are you and your partner?"—but let’s be honest, they don’t really want to know how your relationship is holding up through the mess, exhaustion, and constant demands.

They’re not asking how it feels to sometimes be so frustrated you don’t recognize yourself, or how hard it is to stay connected to your partner when you’re both running on fumes. They’re not digging into the tension, the silent resentments, or the missed moments to connect. But that’s the part no one talks about—and that’s where it gets real.

The Frustration You Didn’t See Coming

You love your partner, but after kids, things change in ways you didn’t expect. Suddenly, you’re two exhausted humans barely keeping it together, and the person who used to be your teammate sometimes feels like just another thing on your to-do list. They’ll kiss you on the cheek when you’re trying to wrangle dinner or say something random like, “Look at that bird!” when you’re mid-chaos, and instead of feeling connected, you just feel... irritated.

But here’s the thing—they’re not trying to annoy you. That kiss? That comment? Those are bids for attention. They’re small, intentional gestures your partner is making to reconnect with you. But when you’re in survival mode, it’s easy to miss them—and that’s when things start to drift apart.

Bids For Attention Matter—Even When They Annoy You

Let’s talk about those bids for a second. They might seem insignificant—sometimes even irritating—but they’re actually huge. It’s your partner’s way of saying, “I’m still here. Are you?” They’re trying to grab a little piece of connection in a life that feels like it’s moving a million miles an hour. If you miss or brush off these bids too often, your partner might stop making them altogether. That’s when the distance between you starts to grow.

So, how do you stop that from happening?

It’s Not You vs. Me—It’s Us vs. The Problem

When things get tough (and they will), it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking it’s you vs. your partner. You might feel like they’re not pulling their weight, or maybe they feel like you’re not hearing them. But here’s the reality: it’s not you vs. them. It’s the two of you vs. the problem.

That shift in perspective can make a world of difference. Instead of seeing your partner as another source of stress, start seeing them as your teammate—the person who’s right there in the trenches with you. Here’s how you can start to make that shift:

1. Name the Problem
   It’s easy to think that your partner’s kiss on the cheek or their random comment is the issue, but it’s not. The real problem is the exhaustion, the lack of connection, the never-ending demands of parenthood. So, call it out. “I’m feeling overwhelmed and disconnected. How can we fix this together?” Naming the problem makes it something you can tackle as a team.

2. Recognize Their Bids (Even When You’re Not In The Mood)
   Even when you’re tired, try to see those little gestures for what they are—attempts to connect. You don’t have to respond perfectly every time, but acknowledging them matters. A quick smile, a laugh, or even saying, “I love you too” can go a long way in showing your partner that you’re still in this with them.

3. Make Small Moments Count
   You don’t need grand gestures to reconnect. Maybe you don’t have the energy for a romantic night out, but could you take five minutes to sit together after the kids go to bed? Could you share a quiet cup of coffee in the morning? Even the smallest moments can help rebuild the connection that feels lost in the daily grind.

4. Be Clear About Your Needs
   You might wish your partner could read your mind, but that’s not realistic. Instead of holding onto frustration, tell them what you need. And when they do the same, listen. You’re both doing your best, and clear communication can go a long way in making sure you’re supporting each other.

5. Give Each Other Grace
   You’re going to mess up. They’re going to mess up. That’s part of being in a relationship, especially when kids are in the picture. But what matters is how you handle those moments. Give each other grace. Recognize that you’re both figuring this out as you go, and keep showing up, even when it’s hard.

It’s About Us

At the end of the day, your relationship will change after kids—that’s a fact. But if you can shift your mindset from me vs. you to us vs. the problem, you’ll find new ways to stay connected. It’s not always going to be easy, and you won’t always get it right, but showing up for each other and recognizing those small bids for attention can make all the difference.

So, the next time your partner interrupts your frazzled moment with a kiss or a random comment, take a breath. Remember that they’re trying to connect. It’s not just about how you’re feeling—it’s about how the two of you are feeling and how you can tackle this together.